Well...another school year is fast approaching. As I prepare for my junior year, I am painfully aware of my need to fix the problem that had taken root in me as a freshman and grew ridiculously as a sophomore. Namely, the problem of arrogance. As embarrassing as it is to actually type it, I don't deny it. I really did think I was superior to 95% of the people I go to school with.
In highscool, I never considered myself anything special. My grades were pretty average; I did no better than my classmates. But then, there weren't many people to compare myself with. In college, that all changed. For the worse. Once I completed my first semester with above average results, I began to think: "Maybe I am an above average person. Maybe I really could do better than the rest of the student body." I began to work even harder. I loved the feeling of checking my grades online and seeing how much higher they were than the average. Soon, I was checking them obsessively. It became a game for me- the GPA game. The reward was the "prestigious" President's List. Those who made the list were invited to a special banquet in their honor every semester. How I loved receiving those emails: Congratulations on making the President's List! I printed out those emails and kept them in my document box.
Things only got worse. My bloated self esteem resulted in problems relating to others. I was so serious and work obsessed that, save for a select few, I really didn't spend time with many other people. I didn't care. "They'll all regret that they didn't work as hard as me," I thought indignantly. "I just can't be friends with people who are so immature." I loved to flaunt my work ethic by doing such things as getting up at 5 every morning to squeeze in some extra studying, or pretending to be absorbed in massive works of literature like Das Kapital. (In reality, Das Kapital bored me out of my skull; I never made it past chapter one!) Watching from a distance as other girls, who I considered trashy, would flirt and giggle, I seethed inwardly. "I'm better than them. And I can get better yet." I finished my sophomore year by winning a business scholarship and securing my spot on the President's List. "Veni, Vidi, Vici," I thought proudly. With a conceited air, I wrote my new favorite quote in my binder: "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." (Walter Bagehot)
Soon after all this, reality slapped me in the face. I read something that made me reexamine my priorities. (The shame is that I can't even remember where I read it.) It said something to the effect of this: most Christians, while they call themselves Christians, actually do not have a Christian worldview. I realized that was totally true of me! While I did have faith in Christ, I was starting to think like a humanist. I had become the center of my own little universe. All of my accomplishments, I thought, were the result of my own IQ and hard work. Reminding myself that God is totally, completely sovereign, I realized He had allowed me to accomplish what I had, and He could just as easily cause me to fail. He made this even more clear by not allowing me to get ANY of the jobs or internships I had applied for and sending me to spend yet another summer in the "armpit of society:" McDonalds. He rubbed salt in the wounds by letting my younger sister be promoted to manager while I had never even been promoted to crew trainer. So much for being so accomplished.
While the job failures definitely hurt my feelings, I now realize this is a good thing. One of my favorite quotes had never rung truer: "I don't care how low your opinion of yourself is, it is not nearly low enough!" (anonymous.) I've been working on humility this summer, and with God's grace, there've been changes. However, I know the new school year will bring with it the temptations of becoming, once again, a selfish workoholic. I hope to this year keep Phillipians 2:3 in my heart (and in my binder).
"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."
After all, my chief and highest end is not to "do what people say I cannot do," but to glorify God and fully to enjoy Him forever!
